Cuando Maria Ataque!
by xwhats3rnam3x
Summary: Just the titles in Spanish, When Mary Sues Attack!Whoc an save the world with one hair falling out of place? It's MarySue, of course!


**Author's Notes: **Hola Tanneritos! Well, people probably want me to work on my other stories, but I'm lazy and don't really have any ideas. So I'll settle on this. Yes, it's been done before, but hopefully this will be a funny way to blow up steam and laugh. Life is good.

Cuando Maria Ataque!

By the way, in case you didn't notice, the story isn't in Spanish. Just the title, because plain "When Mary Sues Attack!" is common and ordinary. It also literally says "When Mary Attack(s)" because I didn't know how to say attack and Spanish so I used a translator, and Sue doesn't translate into Spanish. Close enough.

Another note kiddies: This is a parody. That's right, parody, P-A-R-O-D-Y. So don't email me saying this sucks, because we will point and laugh at you.

Disclaimer: Yo no tengo el Potter de Harry. I don't have Harry Potter, close enough, right?

Example Uno-Mary Sue Saves the Day and Looks Cute the Entire Time!

It was September, and Harry Potter and his lovely friend Ron and not-as-lovely-as-the-Real-main-character friend Hermione were back at Hogwarts for their 7th year. They were seventeen, and although many seventeen year olds are intellectual human, the trios minds seemed to deteriorate to the 12 year old authors vocabulary.

"_Yo wassup homie H?" _Ron asked.

_"nmu?"_

_"same"_

_"n e thing kewl happen ova da summa?"_

_"I got a puppy"_

_"kewl."_

As you can see, vocabulary was not at its peak point. But that's okay, because the only people actually get past the first paragraph are the author and her friend(s).

The three settled into the Great Hall (insert description of Great Hall taken from first book.) Soon, McGonagall's magic voice boomed magically through the magic hall into the students magical ears. (Apparently, the young author wants everyone to know she has, in fact, read the books and knows they got to Hogwarts to learn magic, not have wild sex in broom closets.)

After the sorting of the new first years, which isn't important to the author because 11-year olds aren't cute, a stunning, beautiful, gorgeous, breathtaking, (reaches for thesaurus), admirable, alluring, angelic, appealing, beauteous, bewitching, charming, classy, comely, cute, dazzling, delicate, delightful, divine, elegant, enticing, excellent, exquisite, fair, fascinating, fine, foxy, good-looking, gorgeous, graceful, grand, handsome, ideal, lovely, magnificent, marvelous, nice, pleasing, pretty, pulchritudinous, radiant, ravishing, refined, resplendent, shapely, splendid, statuesque, stunning, sublime, superb, symmetrical, taking, well-formed, wonderful (whew!) girl stepped onto the stage. She had long, blonde hair, big blue eyes, and a killer bod, which looked great even through her loose, flowing robes.

Naturally, as in all Mary Sues, all male jaws dropped. Even many females jaws dropped.

"Maryetta Susanna Crystal Serena Dametria Carolina Honeysuckle Xena Smith!"

"You can call me Mari," she said with the voice of an angel, although angels don't really talk. The girl was called Mari because, of course, it's cuter than Mary.

The hat was placed on her head, and soon roared…come on kiddies, all together now…"GRYFFINDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!"

Of course, much cheering followed. So much cheering that author felt the crowd could imagine it enough that she did not have to go into great detail, because the cheering wasn't as cute as Mari.

Later that night, Mari changed into her sexy lingerie (although she was indeed in an all girls dormitory) and went to sleep, thinking about the lovely tomorrow that would surely come. Awww. How quaint.

The next day, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Mari went down to breakfast, because they're the important part of the story. Harry had all of his classes with Mari so they could flirt and fall in love and have hot sex in the broom closet.

Ahhh, the broom closet. Good times, good times.

Harry and Mari were partners that day in Potions, because even though Snape hates Gryffindors, the author needs to prove that all heterosexual humans with testosterone were in love with Mari, so Snape has to like Mari.

Everyone likes Mari though, so no one needs to worry.

Harry and Mari had to do a Magiculus Potion, which was no specific potion, just the preteen author's way of making at sound foreign and complicated.

Harry was lost because Harry's silly and not as cute as Mari, so she took over. She added the ingredients and mixed them together beautifully, because everything Mari touches is beautiful. So, since they finish early, the two could have conversations loaded with Sexual Tension.

"How do you do it, Mari?" Harry asked. "How are you cute and smart and a whole lot of other adjectives?"

Mari smiled. "It's simple, Harry. I'm very cute. I'm also mostly magic, but half veela, one eighth goblin (only on the inside, because I'm independent and powerful but not ugly), one sixteenth elf (so that it shows I'm a hard worker), a quarter Muggle (so I'm still magic but can use the phone and internet and stuff), and half hot gas."

Harry was stunned. "B-but…mostly plus a half plus an eighth plus a sixteenth plus a quarter isn't a whole. Its-"

"Shhh Harry," Mari whispered, placing her finger on his lips. "Math isn't cute."

Harry leaned in to kiss Mari, even though he'd known her for less than 24 hours, but Mari stopped him.

"Professor Snape?" she asked. "May we go the broom closet?"

"Of course," Snape replied, as the young lovers rushed out. "Ahhh, the broom closet. Good times…"

Meanwhile, Harry and Mari (aww, it rhymes. How adorable) were in the infamous closet, doing things poorly described with lots of bad metaphors that 12 year olds should not graphically describe. The airline barf bag company suddenly becomes very rich, because many readers feel the need to throw up.

The next day, Harry felt the need to gush very out of character to Ron and Hermione, who hadn't done anything important yet, about Mari. The author finds it necessary to write how wonderful she is, and how good the hot sex in the broom closet was.

Airplane barf bags are selling by the millions.

Suddenly and without warning, which both mean basically the same thing but sound impressive together, Harry was tapped by the shoulder. It was Dumbledore, who the author just remembered is pretty important. Obviously, the author has not read the sixth book, where Dumbles reaches his demise.

Read the book, babe. The movie is never as good!

"Harry!" Dumbledore said. "You and Mari need to go fight Voldemort, now!"

"Why Mari?" Harry asked. "I thought the book was named after me!"

"It is," Dumbledore said. "But Mari's cuter than you, and she's got skills. Like, num chuck skills and bow casting skills and computer hacking skills. You don't have skills."

"Right," Harry said.

Harry and Mari grabbed a Portkey, and were transported to the cemetery.

"Hey!" Harry said. "Didn't we go to a cemetery in the 4th book?"

"That was a graveyard," a man said. His nametag said Peter Pettigrew, so that must be his name. He wasn't cute, so he was bad.

"What's the difference?" asked Harry.

"A graveyard is beautifully eerie," Pettigrew explained exasperatedly. "A cemetery is eerily beautiful."

"Huh?"

"I see Potter is still a dimwit," a voice blatantly described from one of the books responded. "Potter, do you know why I've called you here?"

"Because he's cute?" Pettigrew offered.

"Silence, mortal!" Voldie commanded. "I wasn't talking to you! Now Potter, I have a question for you."

"Si señor!" Harry said brightly.

"Do you know…the Muffin Man?" asked Voldemort.

"Th-the Muffin Man?" Harry asked timidly.

"The Muffin Man," Voldemort agreed.

"Do I know the Muffin Man…" Harry pondered.

"He lives on Droory Lane," Pettigrew hinted.

"I said silence, fool!" Voldemort hissed.

"Why is he your sidekick if he's a fool?" asked Harry.

"I…well…um…you see…I don't know. You're fired, Wormtail!" Voldemort said. Pettigrew vanished.

"Well, the Muffin Man moved. Now he lives on Sunshine Avenue. The Broccoli Man lives on Droory Lane now," Harry said.

"Blasted Muffin Man! His blueberry muffins were so scrumptious! I can't eat broccoli for breakfast!"

"I'm glad he moved," Harry said. "He used, like, a stick of butter in each muffin! I couldn't fit into my pants anymore!"

"It's cooler being an immortal snake thing," Voldemort said. "You eat a ton and don't gain any weight. You should try."

"Maybe I will," said Harry.

"I'm sorry I tried to kill you. I was cranky on those days because I never got a muffin," Voldemort explained.

"I forgive you," Harry said. "Friends?"

"Friends!" Voldemort said, and they hugged.

Awwww.

"Hey, what about me?" Mari said. "How come I haven't done anything in a while?"

"All you need to do is stand there and look cute, and you get all the heroic credit," Harry explained.

"Cool!" said Mari.

The three new best friends linked arms and sang all the way back to Hogwarts Castle, where they learned about life, love, and the wonderful convenience of broom closets.

THE END

Well, how did you like it? Maybe I'll do some other chapters of Mary Sue examples, but I don't know. Depends on the reviews I get (wink, wink.) Feel free to give any suggestions for further chapters! Adios!


End file.
